• Evien Berry

If I Were President

People have always been open to criticizing political figures and telling them how to do their job. In fact, nowadays it seems as if any random kid off the street thinks they are qualified to run the country. I am no stranger to criticizing political figures myself, but I wonder what it would be like to truly hold office. I can talk the talk, but can I walk the walk? Since student council president is probably the closest I will ever get -- and I lost that election -- I’ll have to fantasize about my position of power as the first female president of the United States of America (unless Joe dies, I guess).

First of all, I think recent presidential candidates have been going about this all wrong. They shy away from controversy, trying to hang onto middle-of-the-road voters. They are too scared to get into the real hard-hitting issues. I am, of course, talking about daylight savings: The issue on everyone’s mind that no one is brave enough to speak about. Spring forward and fall back are the worst. I guess they came in handy in, like, the 1900’s when people had to plow their fields and milk their cows at 5 am and didn’t want to do it by candlelight. However, daylight savings is now nothing more than an unnecessary annoyance. Lose an hour of sleep and have to change all of your clocks forward an hour? No, thank you! It’s almost as if that concept was materialized when cars and car headlights did not exist and people worked primarily indoors instead of out. Back when the only alarm clock people could rely on was the rooster who crowed when the sun came soaring over the horizon. It’s not like nowadays phone alarms are solar powered! I think if I ran for president on the controversial platform of abolishing daylight savings, people might just admire my confidence enough to hand over their votes. In fact, I might go as far as to say that I may have won student council president if I expressed my contempt for daylight savings! I could’ve pledged to my fellow classmates to do something about it! Sure, there’s really nothing I could do about it, but fake promises are a welcome and sacred tradition of politicians.

I guess I couldn’t run only on the platform of anti-daylight savings. What would I do for re-election? Campaign to bring it back? To give me a greater edge on the competition, I have a few other controversial topics that my fellow political opponents would never dare to address. I’ll say it outright: I believe homework should be illegal. That sounds childish, I know, but it would definitely give me the vote of high school students who are tired of doing homework and possibly teachers who are tired of grading homework. Oh, and college students! College students can vote! Trust me, that’s a bigger demographic than it sounds. Honestly, it’s astonishing to me that none of the (over 45-year-old) presidents of the United States have tried to get rid of homework! It’s a complete and utter shame! The quality of living in this country would increase dramatically! Its effects would be far-reaching! How has no president ever in the history of this country seen the potential of banishing homework? I could make this campaign even stronger by including personal anecdotes of the effects of homework on my life, including (but not limited to): crying in the shower, crying in my bedroom, crying on the kitchen floor, and staying up until midnight to finish an assignment and suffering from narcolepsy the entire next day (while also crying). That’ll really pull on the heartstrings of my potential voters!

With my clear and bold stance on daylight savings and homework, I would have a good chance of becoming the president. However, my final stance would really ensure a landslide victory. I propose abolishing the electoral college. Popular vote wins! You there, in California, your vote is worth the same as you in Rhode Island (population: 15), and you in Alaska (if you can keep the polar bears away long enough to make it to the polls), and you in Nevada (is that even a real state?). Imagine a country where citizens actually understand the voting system! It sounds unbelievable, I know, but under my guidance it would become a reality. Unless, of course, I lose the popular vote but win the electoral college. Then it would be here to stay and I’d have to campaign against domestic terrorism or something. I sure hope it doesn’t come to that.

So, based on my bold and daring platform, would I have your vote? Unfortunately for you, I’ll have to wait until 2042 to run. But be patient and hold onto hope for this country; good things are to come.


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